『老外说性』老外自慰囧事大汇集-mm组（双语）

Savage Love Column   001 Nov 01
“野人之爱”性专栏   2001年11月01日
[译者注] 2001年中期，Dan的一位粉丝写信坦白一次年少手淫的古怪经历。事发当时他觉得很丢人，回想起来又觉得很好玩儿。因此他建议Dan对众粉丝们发起分享自己尴尬经历的邀请。随后Dan发起了MHS(MASTURBATION HORROR STORY) PK赛。他称将分类整理邮件并阅读，然后挑选出其中经典的发布在SAVAGE LOVE COLUMN。另外他还承诺将由公正第三方评选出两个最经典的故事—男孩1篇，女孩1篇。
Tons of people sent in their masturbation horror stories and I apologize for the delay in getting the best of them into the column. These have been forwarded to my hastily assembled Grand Council of Masturbation Experts. The Grand Council will award a selection of gender-appropriate masturbation aides to the authors of the most horrifying boys’ and girls’ masturbation stories.
But first a few notes about how we narrowed down the field:  All MHS that sounded like urban legends were discarded, as were all stories involving parental discovery. Stories that involved simple discomfort, bearable humiliation, or short-term inconvenience didn’t make the cut. But by far the largest category of disqualified stories (more than a thousand) were from people who burned themselves masturbating with BenGay, Vick’s VapoRub, Nair, Sea Breeze, Old Spice, dandruff shampoo, Flexall 454, Preparation H, toothpaste, hands that recently handled jalapeno peppers or poison ivy, microwaved tomatoes, cantaloupes, watermelons, etc. Some of these holy-shit-I-burned-my-dick/twat stories were highly entertaining, it’s true, but ultimately they were too commonplace to be all that interesting.
数以万计的朋友们发来了他们的“惊悚慰事”，这么久还没选出最经典的我很抱歉。所有的投稿都已经转发给临时成立的“慰事”专家委员会。该委员会将选出一系列最惊悚的男女MHS
现在我们先说说几点筛选规则：
1.  “火星的，早就成段子的”OUT；
2.  “被父母发现的”OUT；
3.  “M的不怎么舒服、不怎么尴尬、或M期间暂时被打扰打断的”OUT
4.“ M伤自己的”OUT（目前这一类事件最多，已超过1K了吧）
P.S.列举一下M工具：（BenGay）镇痛膏、(Vick’s VapoRub)止咳清凉薄荷膏、(Nair)脱毛膏、 （Sea Breeze）护发素防晒霜、（Old Spice）防臭止汗膏、去屑洗发水、（Flexall 454）止痛膏、（Preparation H）痔疮膏、牙膏、刚接触过墨西哥胡椒或有毒的常春藤的手、微波的西红柿、哈密瓜、西瓜等
这一类M伤自己小弟弟小妹妹的故事，有的真的是超搞；但是发生频率太高以至于没那么搞笑了。


6 Girls’ Stories — 6个女孩的MHS故事
My MHS probably won’t see the light of day because it’s just too weird and disturbing. My kid brother was only around five years old at the time of this incident. I was around seven, which will hopefully spare me any accusations of being a horrible child molester.
The incident unfolded as follows: I was lying on the couch with my pants down, rubbing myself with my security blanket. My kid brother walked in the room and didn’t notice anything weird going on. There was a palm frond on the floor (it was shortly after Easter), and it struck me that the frond would feel very nice tickling my anus. So I asked my brother to do it for me, since I couldn’t masturbate and perform palm-frond tickling at the same time. He complied for about three seconds before his freak-out mechanism kicked in. He sprinted upstairs and told my mom what I was doing. She spanked me and took away my security blanket, which I never saw again.
In my own defense, I never tried anything sexual with my brother again, and have found him fairly repellent for many years now. And it wasn’t about my brother, anyway. I just needed someone to manipulate the palm frond.
我的MHS貌似有点难以启齿，因为实在太诡异了。此M事件发生时我弟弟大约5岁，我当时7岁。当时年少无知啊，对小孩“性侵犯“可以原谅吧。
M事件详细分解如下：我当时躺在沙发上，裤子褪到一半，用我的安睡毯不停得摩擦自己。这时候弟弟走进房间，不过没注意到我在干什么。地板上有一片棕榈叶（刚过完复活节不久），我突发奇想用这叶子骚挠菊花肯定会特爽。于是我就叫我弟弟替我服务，因为二者我不能同时进行。他乖乖地做了大概也就3秒之后突然恍然大悟！他拔腿冲上楼跟老妈告状了。老妈扇了我一巴掌，没收了我的M工具–安睡毯，从此不见其踪影。
为了表示抗议，从此我对弟弟绝口不提任何与性有关的事儿，而且很长一段时间我都觉得他相当的恶心打心底讨厌他。总之，这M事件跟他没啥关系。他只是充当“操控棕榈叶”的角儿而已。
Adopted, So It’s Not Incest（非亲生，非乱伦）
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I was obsessed with Mickey Mouse when I was a child, so my parents would give me Mickey things for my birthday and Christmas. One present happened to be a Mickey Mouse electric toothbrush. It became my new most favorite thing in the world. Well, one day my toothbrush disappeared. I was crushed and utterly confused. My mother blamed one of my “no-good friends.”
Anyway, months passed and I slowly got over my loss. One morning I woke up early, and being too young to cook myself breakfast, I went into my mother’s bedroom. She was lying on her side, with her back to me. She was making noises–weird, groany, moany noises. Thinking she was having a bad dream, I ran up to the bed and grabbed her arm and told her to wake up. She screamed. I screamed. Then I saw my Mickey Mouse electric toothbrush in her hand. I grabbed it and ran out of the room, down the hallway, and into my room, slamming the door behind me. I sat on my bed red-faced with anger. Not only had my own mother stolen my most favorite thing in the world, but now it stank.
我小时候对米老鼠无比痴迷，每年生日和圣诞节老爸老妈就给我买米老鼠的DD做为礼物。“很不巧“，其中一个礼物就是传说中的米老鼠电动牙刷。这可是当时我的最爱啊！”很不巧”，有一天它离奇失踪了。我是痛心疾首痛不欲生啊，同时无比纳闷。（译者：牙刷这么私密肮脏的玩意儿也有人要？）老妈栽赃给非我好友的某某倒霉鬼。
话说几个月过去，我渐渐忘了这档子事儿。一天大清早我就醒了，太小不会做早饭，于是乎去老妈卧室求助。她侧躺朝里睡，背对着我。她当时发出好诡异的声音，R.O.O.M…我以为她是做噩梦了，跳上床抓着她的胳膊试图叫醒她。谁知她尖叫，我叫的更尖—我看到她手握我的米老鼠电动牙刷！我抢过牙刷冲出房间，穿过走廊，冲进自己卧室砰地甩上门！我坐在床上，羞愤地满面通红！不仅仅因为是自己老妈偷了我世上最爱的东西，更是因为它现在闻起来臭死了！
Traumatized At Age Six（6岁的创伤）
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When: I was 12. Where: Bathroom. What: Stepfather’s electric toothbrush. With the subtle purring of that device, I rubbed it up and down, all around, until I was close, oh so close, to coming. (Didn’t actually achieve the big O until I was 15.) My stepfather comes down the stairs and says, “Who used my toothbrush?” How did he know? Well, it was wet (yes, I washed it), and it was dead. It needed a new charge! I said it wasn’t me, but he looked me deep in the eyes. To this day, I think he knew.
时间：12岁  地点：洗手间  M工具：后爹的电动牙刷
我用电动牙刷来回绕圈摩擦，伴随着它微妙的鸣叫声，曾经跟高潮无限无限接近过（我15岁才真正体验到高潮的滋味儿）。后来后爹从楼上奔下来问说：“谁用了我的牙刷？“ 呃，他怎么知道的呢？原因如下：牙刷湿了（我事后洗过）还动不了了。要更换新电池（M到没电了）！我说没用过，但他深深地看着我。直到今天，我一直觉得他当时就知道肯定是我用滴。
Sincerely, Diane（此致，黛安）
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If this ain’t friendship, I don’t know what is: One of my friends in ninth grade was obsessed with masturbating. One evening I got a call from her and she was speaking very softly, but rapidly, obviously in tears. She told me that she had shoved a hot dog up her vagina trying to get off and couldn’t get it out. This was the same girl who, not two weeks before, had burned her vagina trying to masturbate with a curling iron which she THOUGHT was only mildly warmed. I wanted to hang up and run away, but she was so upset I went over to try to help her. She answered the door, walking very awkwardly and trying to appear cheerful in front of her mom. In her room, we quickly realized that there was nothing either of us could do. Leaving her sobbing in her room, I went and explained to her mother why her daughter needed to go to the emergency room. That was fun. With the help of a 19-year-old uncle, I bought her a vibrator for her next birthday.
如果这都称不上是友谊，那我就不知道什么才能算是友谊啦：
我的一个朋友，9年级，无比痴迷于自慰。话说某夜她电我，说话的声音轻轻地，但是语速很快，很明显是在哭。她说她塞了根热狗进阴道想爽一把，但是现在拿不出来了。距当时不到两周前，同样是她试图用卷发器进行M事件，自认为温度适中，结果烫伤了阴道。我当时就想挂断电话不理她，但是一想到她这么郁闷，我还是过去帮忙了。她来应门，走路姿势无比怪异，试图在她老妈面前表现得很愉悦。进她房间后，我们很快发现这个“烫手山芋”靠自己是拿不出来了。她自己在房间里抽泣着，我则去找她老妈摊牌，跟她解释为什么得把她女儿送医院急救室去。很搞笑！她第二年生日的时候，我托自家一位19岁的小叔/小舅买了个自慰器作为礼物送给她。
Thankful To Have Been A Frigid Teenager（庆幸自己有个性冷感的青春期）
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I was a 16-year-old girl visiting my very old-school grandparents while on summer break. I had also recently discovered the joys of masturbation. For some reason, I decided to see if I could fit my entire hand into my vagina. Well, I managed to fit it, but I couldn’t get it back out. I had to call my grandmother for help. She couldn’t get it out either. I wound up wrapped in a blanket, sitting in the emergency room. The nice doctor managed to lube me up and stretch me enough to finally get it out.
我16岁的时候，暑假去探望我的超级古板祖父母。我当时也刚刚体会到M的快乐。鬼使神差，我决定试试是否可以把整只手给塞进阴道中。我成功的塞进去了，但是却拔不出来了。于是乎我就只好叫祖母来帮忙了，但是她也没辙。结果是我就出现在急救室，可怜兮兮地包着个毛毯坐那儿。一个很和气的医生往那里涂满了润滑油，拉扯了半天才帮我弄出来。
Handy-Work In Canada（加拿大手工活）
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I was in school and really horny (probably had my mind on some guy). So I got a pass for the bathroom, went into a stall, pulled down my pants, and started fingering myself. Suddenly the stall door opened. I hadn’t carefully locked the door in my rush to fingerfuck myself. But it wasn’t another student at the door–it was my Spanish teacher! Needless to say, I cut my Spanish class that day. My Spanish teacher never called on me or made eye contact with me again. She would, however, glance at my hands and make disgusted faces.
我当时欲火焚身（估计脑子里想着某男意淫）的时候还在学校上课。于是我报告老师说要上厕所，随便进了个隔间，脱下裤子就开始“指淫“。谁知门突然开了！我太急于”指淫“自己以至于忘记锁门了。郁闷的是门外的不是某某学生，而是我的西班牙语老师！不用说，那天的西班牙语课我翘了。从此西班牙语老师再没有点过我的名或是直接跟我四目相对，只是她会看着我的双手露出一种鄙夷的神情。
Ain’t No Bedtime Story（非睡前故事）
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