『老外说性』给没人干的少男们的建议书

Savage Love Column        Aug 12, 2010
“野人之爱”性专栏            2010年8月12日


来信：
A long while ago, you wrote an incredible piece of general advice for teenage boys. The advice was so excellent that I clipped it out to keep in case I ever had a son. Well, years later, I have a son. But I no longer have that precious piece of paper.
很久以前你写过一篇给少男的建议书。我觉得写得非常好，所以我把它从报纸上剪下保存起来，万一以后我有儿子好给他看。几年过去了，我真有了一个儿子，但是那张珍贵的剪报已经不见了。
My son is only 9 months old, but I am worried that by the time he is a teenager, you will have retired. Any chance you could reprint your advice for teenage boys? I know that I, my partner, and my son will all appreciate it.
我儿子只有9个月大，但是我担心等他长成少男时你已经退休了。你能不能重新发一下你给少男们的建议书？我还有我的搭档，我的儿子都会非常感激的。
GGG Lady Lover And Mama
3G女情人和3G妈妈
 
耽的回信：
Congrats on the birth of your son, GGGLLAM, and here, at your request, is my advice for the hard-up teenage boy:
恭喜你添丁阿，GGGLLAM[1]，应你的要求，以下是我给没人干少男们的建议书：
You’re having a hard time getting girls. That sucks. I remember what it was like when I was a young teenager and wanted boys and couldn’t get any. It sucked. But the sad fact is that most young teenage boys are repulsive—that is, they are half-formed works in progress. Girls mature physically more quickly than boys, which means most girls your age already look like young women and they’re generally attracted to (slightly) older boys—and there you are, aching for your first girlfriend, but still looking like a short, hairless chimp.
你交不上女朋友。很惨。我还记得我少男时期想交男朋友却一直也交不到。非常惨。悲惨的事实是，大部分的少男确实都挺招人烦的—他们是半成品，还在成长阶段。女生在生理上比男生早熟，意味着和你同龄的少女们已经看起来像年轻女人了，她们对比自己（稍微）年长一点的男孩比较有兴趣—而你，看起来还是一只又矮又没毛的黑猩猩，还在为找不到第一个女朋友而煎熬。
But don’t despair, HUTB. Your awkward/repulsive stage will pass. In the meantime, here’s what you need to do: Worry less about getting your young teenage self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and get yourself a body that girls will find irresistible, read—read books—so that you’ll have something to say to girls (the best way to make girls think you’re interesting is to actually be interesting), and get out of the house and do shit—political shit, sporty shit, arty shit—so that you’ll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and become comfortable talking with them.
但是不要绝望。HUTB。尴尬的招人厌的少男时期会过去。在这期间有以下几件事你要去做：先别着急在少男时期破处，设想在18-20岁的时候破处。去健身房把自己的身材练的让少女们难以抗拒。阅读-读书-和女孩们有得聊（让女孩们觉得你有趣的最好办法就是让自己真的有趣），还有出门去参加一些活动—政治活动，体育活动，艺术活动—这样你可以在不同的场合遇到不同的女孩们，渐渐地学会和她们自然地交谈。
Some more orders: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Go online and read about birth control and STIs, and learn enough about female anatomy that you’ll be able to find a clitoris in the dark. Masturbate in moderation—no more than 10 times a day—and vary your masturbatory routine. I can’t emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel like a clenched fist, HUTB, nor does a mouth, an anus, titty fucking, dry humping, or e-stim. If you don’t want to be sending me another pathetic letter in five years complaining about your inability to come unless you’re beating your own meat, HUTB, you will vary your routine now so that you’ll be able to respond to different kinds of sexual stimulation once you do start getting the girls.
还有一些叮嘱：留一个像样的发型、用体臭消除剂、用牙线把牙齿弄干净、经常洗澡、穿干净衣服。上网查查避孕和性病知识，学习女性生理构造，做到能在黑暗中找到阴蒂。有节制的自慰—一天不超过10次—多样化自慰的方法。最后这一点我没办法详细说明。阴道和握紧的拳头感觉是不一样的，HUTB，不同于嘴巴和菊花、胸推、干磨蹭和电刺激。只有让你目前的自慰方法多种多样，等你开始有女朋友时，你才能对不一样的性刺激产生反应。否则5年以后你又要可怜巴巴地写信给我说你除了自慰外没办法达到高潮。
Good luck, kiddo.
好运，孩子。
(The above advice was for a straight teenage boy. Gay teenage boys should read “boys” where I said “girls,” “anus” where I said “vagina,” “prostate” where I said “clitoris,” and “fist” where I said “fist.”)
（以上的建议是给一个直少男的。同志少男们可以把“女孩”改成“男孩”，“阴道”改成“菊花”，“阴蒂”改成“前列腺”，“拳头”改成“拳头”来看。）
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译者注：[1]GGGLLAM是对来信者GGG Lady Lover And Mama的简称。
  
FROM:小抄