『老外说性』动物本能不是不忠的免罪牌（完整篇）

Savage Love Column      July 15, 2010
“野人之爱”性专栏 2010年7月15日



来信：
I wanted to thank you for drawing so much attention to Sex at Dawn. I am going to get it as soon as possible so I can better understand myself. I have always felt a certain amount of shame because I’ve never had a monogamous relationship. Having been married 14 years (married at 19, which I know is a no-no in your book), I’ve had plenty of temptation and only given in a few times. Those events felt like they were saving my sanity; they never had anything to do with me loving my husband any less. It wasn’t until I started listening to your advice that I realized that maybe I wasn’t the problem. For all these years, I felt like shit because I couldn’t be monogamous. Thanks for clueing me in to evolution, reptile brains, etc.
M
谢谢你让这么多人关注到了《性爱黎明》这本书。我要尽快去买本，这样才能更好的理解我自己。我从来没有过忠贞的一对一关心，这点始终让我觉得心中有愧。我已经结婚14年了（19岁就“昏”了，我知道这在你的书里是绝对的反面教材），在无数的诱惑中，我有好几次把持不住出了轨。这些事故其实并没有减少我对丈夫的爱，反而是我正常生活的力量来源。听了你的建议之后，我才意识到这可能不是我的错。这么多年来，我一直觉得自己很无耻因为不能为丈夫守贞。感谢你，让我意识到了有进化论、爬行动物脑子这些知识。
M

耽的回信:
Thanks for the nice note, M. Now go forth[1] and cheat no more, i.e., don’t be a CPOS (cheating piece of shit). If you’re incapable of being monogamous, don’t make monogamous commitments that you’re damn well going to break.
谢谢你的美言，M。现在向前进，不要再偷情了，别当一个CPOS（狗屎一样的偷情者）。如果知道自己不能一对一，就不要许下那些你肯定见受不了的，坚贞不二的承诺啊。
And to all the outraged folks writing in to ask if I’m seriously suggesting that no one should ever be monogamous: That’s not what I’m saying—and it’s not what the authors of Sex at Dawn are arguing either. The point of Sex at Dawn—and my point in drawing my readers’ and listeners’ attention to it—isn’t that no one should attempt to be monogamous or that people who’ve made monogamous commitments have a license to cheat on their partners. For the record: I’m happy to acknowledge that there are lots of good reasons to be monogamous and/or very nearly monogamous, e.g., children and other sexually transmitted infections.
那些义愤填膺地写信来质问我的人们：我没有鼓吹反一对一的制度，《性爱黎明》这本书里想要说的也不是这个。书的观点，也是我推荐这本书的原因，不是说大家都不要一对一了，或者即使承诺了一对一的人也可以理直气壮地去偷情。我郑重地说，我知道一对一的关系或者尽可能的一对一确实有不少好处：比如说对孩子好啦，比如说不容易染性病什么的。
What the authors of Sex at Dawn believe—and what I think they prove—is that we are a naturally nonmonogamous species, despite what we’ve been told for millennia by preachers and for centuries by scientists, and that is why so many people have such a hard time remaining monogamous over the long haul. I’m not saying that everyone everywhere has to be nonmonogamous; the authors of Sex at Dawn don’t make that argument either. (Lots of monogamists, however, do run around insisting that everyone everywhere should be monogamous—and proscriptive monogamists get a pass because, hey, they mean so well and wouldn’t it be nice if everyone were?)
《性爱黎明》这本书里的观点，或者说我认为这么书证明的观点是：尽管传教士们跟我们说了几千年，科学家们说了几百年，我们依然不是一个天生就一对一的物种。这也是无数人都在长期一对一关系中饱受出轨诱惑的原因。我并不是说，每个人都是天生反一对一的，那本书也没这么说。（反而是好多一对一拥护者到处宣说每个地方的每个人都必须一对一。这些排他性的一对一拥护者们这么说没人质疑，那是因为大家都觉得他们是好心嘛，或者说大家选择相信每个人都天生一对一，这样世界在他们眼中就完美了。）
The point is this: People—particularly those who value monogamy—need to understand why being monogamous is so much harder than they’ve been led to believe it will be. In some cases, this understanding may help people find the courage to seek out nonmonogamous relationships and/or arrangements and/or allowances that make them—gasp!—happier and make their relationships more stable, not less, as a routine infidelity won’t doom their marriage/civilunion/commitment/slavecontract/whatever. But understanding that monogamy is a struggle for most people—and being able to be honest with our partners about experiencing it as a struggle—may actually help some people remain monogamous.
我的意思是：人，特别是重视一对一关系的人，都需要理解为什么一对一关系比我们想象中的要难这么多。有些时候，能理解这个可能会帮你更勇敢地去寻找一对一的伴侣或者一段情什么的，而且在找到后也会让这些关系更为稳定，而不是更摇摇欲坠。因为理解的人知道出轨这一人类本能并不会彻底摧毁你们的婚姻/法定结合/承诺/奴役合同/或者任何你们的关系。如果能认识到坚持一对一对大部分人来说都是难事，而且能跟正在经历这种挑战的另一半开诚布公同渡难关，可能反而会帮助这些伴侣坚持一对一。
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译者注：[1] 上帝造完亚当和夏娃以后对他们说: Go forth and multiply. 通俗点说是: Go forth and (fuck for reproduction). 意思是：向前进，繁衍后代壮大我们的队伍。耽叫来信者go forth (and fuck) and cheat no more是讽刺地把自己当上帝。